I’d like to talk about depression for a minute. Anyone that knows me knows that I am generally sunshine and rainbows and butterflies but that is not always the case. This is one of those topics we often choose to ignore because it’s not a happy thing. It’s so hard to understand. Why would someone with an amazing life, with amazing family, and that is totally blessed have any reason to be depressed? This is something I have wondered before I dealt with depression. I think it’s a pretty fair question when one hasn’t had to deal with it because you really just cannot begin to understand how it feels until you have. I know a lot of people felt this way and asked these questions with the recent celebrity suicide and with some of the celebrities that have ODed on drugs in the past. Why would they do that to themselves?
So many different things can cause depression there really is no rule. It can be low Vitamin D, it can be lack of sunlight and light therapy can help, it can be because of overwhelming grief that you just put aside until you just cant put it aside any longer. It can be problems within your digestive tract. There are just so many things that can cause it but the one thing all these things have in common is how it can make a person feel. It can even just be a flat tire when you already have so much stress that can be that piece of straw to break the camel’s back.
You can feel like no one cares when loving people surround you. It can make you feel like nothing matters even the things you love most. I can go to Disney World and not even really care that I am there. I can spend an amazing day with friends and family and rather be at home hiding under my covers.
The cycle of depression is almost endless too. You get to the point where you aren’t sleeping well which then means you start craving more sugar and convenient foods that then make you feel like crap which then makes you not want to do anything like the running that used to help with the depression and stress. Once you stop being active you completely fulfill the cycle and basically you become a lump that doesn’t want to do anything at all, doesn’t care about much of anything at all, and just wants to sleep which you can’t do restfully anyway so you just end up eternally tired and unhappy.
Then one day you realize that your temper has grown shorter, your mood is just unreasonable, and you haven’t been out of the house or showered in several days and you don’t really care but you realize that you cannot live this way. To be honest if Bill wasn’t here with me it could have taken me years to process this instead of just a few months.
People wonder how people end up gaining so much weight they cant fit through the door or their house, well I can tell you that a lot of it may be due to depression. Once you fall into the pit it takes a while just to recognize you are in the pit and then you have to figure out a way to get out of it and when you are overweight I think the depression weighs on you even more so because you hate yourself in other ways as well.
One of my biggest issues is I don’t like to ask for help even once I realize I need it. So many people around me have “real” issues. One friend is battling cancer, another had a miscarriage, another has a beautiful child with severe mental issues, another has a child that is beautiful and wonderful but because he has emotional issues he cant find a group that will accept him. There are friends dealing with parents sick or dying. There are so many people with problems so much bigger then mine that I feel like a horrible person when I wallow in my little problems.
In reality though everyone’s problems are real and big to them. My insensitive mother once told me “Your problems are so little what do you really have to whine about.” While the overall message was likely true at the time the fact that it deemed how I was feeling was not okay. My negative feelings, as a child, were never allowed to show outside the house. Everyone at church or school must think I lived in a perfect family with a perfect life. If I talked to anyone in the church about my true feelings and it got back to my mother she would make my life hell. I think this has something to do with why I always feel like my problems are so small I should just Get over it.
So tell me. How do you get over it? You have to start eating right, you have to take care of your body with exercise. You have to move towards what will help, but when you are in the pit you can’t always just do that. Some days it’s just a struggle to get out of bed. It’s often just a struggle to eat the easiest and closest thing to you. So at some point you realize you have to ask for help. You have to find someone that can help you get out of bed. You have to find someone to hold you accountable for your exercise and you have to have someone to help because sometimes no matter how much you want to you cannot help yourself.
This is not a woe-is-me post. This is a shout for help. I know where I am and I know I don’t want to be here. This is also a post to let you know if you are depressed and you need someone call me. We can help each other. Please know that what you are feeling isn’t wrong. It is just what it is. You don’t have to be there and you can do things to help. You just might need someone to help you. If you don’t talk to me talk to someone, your doctor, a therapist, there are help lines you can call. I am blessed in so many ways to have some amazing friends that I will talk to. I am also blessed to have a husband to kick me in the butt when I need it.
Depression sucks. It can take over your life if you let it and I have recently let it. Now it is time to make steps towards moving forward and to stop allowing it to control my life.